


Don't Hide From Me

by the_13th_battalion



Category: Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Cal Kestis Needs a Hug, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, I love these kids, I wrote this for me but y'all can read it too, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, SO, Suicidal Thoughts, anyway, be careful kids, followed by increasingly unnecessary levels of fluff, honestly this is mostly unnecessary levels of angst, this fandom never ceases to amaze me, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23223925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_13th_battalion/pseuds/the_13th_battalion
Summary: She grasped his shoulder. “As I wanted to join you on your quest, I want to share your burdens a hundred times as much. Don’t hide from me. Tell me what haunts you.”As if she had broken a dam in his heart, as if she had burst through all his defenses, Cal gave in and began to speak.___Cal needs a hug. Thankfully, Merrin is around to help.
Relationships: Cal Kestis/Merrin
Comments: 21
Kudos: 160





	Don't Hide From Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends, welcome to Self-Indulgence Central!
> 
> Honestly, though, I was reading fics here and I was struck with inspiration so I decided to act. This is purely for my own enjoyment but I felt like posting it. There's a fic on here somewhere that I was truly inspired by but I can't find it again. CURSES upon me for not bookmarking it!!!!!
> 
> Anyway enjoyyyyyyyyy
> 
> UPDATE: I found my inspiration!! "Someday" by xanderwilde here on AO3. The fic is so heart wrenching gosh it made me cry. In the series it's a part of, there's a really good Inquisitor AU if you're into that! I read parts of it and the writing is superb.

It began with a pull. A desperate, clawing, lurching pull, tearing at his heart and forcing his gaze to pinpoint on the source. These were the echoes that filled him with enough joy to give him energy that bubbled in his chest for days. Or, the ones that hurt enough to bring him to his knees, breathless, drowning him in a certain kind of darkness that would seep into his very bones.

Cal could rarely tell which it would be. Sometimes he didn’t even realize an object would give him an echo. When he had reached for the Astrium, however, its bronze hues aching for him to touch it, to feel its history, he knew. This one would hurt.

But the moment he buried his lightsaber in his master’s chest, he understood just how much pain this one would cause him.

His master seized the hilt, dwarfing Cal’s hands, and drove the blade deeper into his flesh. His grip tightened with every harsh word he said, squeezing Cal’s hands. His pulse quickened as his knuckles cracked ominously. The sound joined the popping and sizzling of his lightsaber, breaking under the force of his master’s grip. Cal stared into the cold eyes of his master. His senses overloaded with the noises flooding his ears, his thoughts shrieking hateful phrases in unison with his dead master, his heart beating faster, faster.

_You killed him!_

_How could you?!_

_You killed him, Cal!_

_You KILLED him!_

_He’s dead, Cal!_

_Look what you’ve done!_

_You don’t deserve to be alive!_

_Cal!_

_Cal!_

_CAL!_

“Cal Kestis! Wake up!”

He sat up with a jolt, his lungs sucking in a huge gulp of air. Instinctively, he reached for his lightsaber, but the moment his fingers met the cool steel, he pulled them away and relaxed. Merrin knelt beside him, frowning, her hand hovering by his shoulder as if to rest it there. BD-1 whistled cheerfully from his perch on Cal’s knee. The peaceful Bogano landscape stretched out behind them.

Cal swallowed and looked away. “I’m sorry, I, uh...I guess I fell asleep.” He shook his head slightly, as if he could shake out the horrible images still grasping at the edges of his mind. Trying to lighten the mood, he gave her a wry smile. “I always had a hard time staying awake during meditation.”

Merrin’s expression softened. “Perhaps you should not meditate out in the open here, then. I don’t think those crab creatures would mind making you their next meal.”

Cal grinned.

“Speaking of meals,” Merrin continued, “Cere sent me to find you. Dinner is ready.”

“Ok, great.” Cal stood with her. BD-1 sprang up to rest on his shoulder. “Did he cook those crab things? Maybe we should try eating them before they can eat me.”

Merrin laughed. Cal’s heart soared.

The four of them ate together, enjoying the companionship. Cere related stories from her time on Coruscant, embellishing her tales with added high stakes and humor. Cal laughed along with his companions, but his heart was weighted, the tendrils of fear and guilt still curling their dreadful fingers around it. He caught Merrin’s ever perceptive gaze lingering on him multiple times. He hoped she couldn’t see the battle raging in his chest.

They stayed at the table long after they finished eating. Greez was the first to cave in, although, to Cal’s chagrin, his cited excuse was, “The kid looks like he’s about to fall asleep on his plate!” Cal smiled while Merrin and Cere laughed and agreed, but inside, his stomach twisted uncomfortably. He wondered if they knew he hadn’t really slept since that day on Dathomir.

Of course, if he were honest with himself, he hadn’t really slept in five years.

The companions cleaned the little kitchen and separated to their rooms, calling well wishes to each other. Cal waved and joined the chorus. Then he closed the door and, faced with his cot, sighed bitterly.

“Ready for another long night, BD?”

The nightmares began immediately. They lashed at him with cruel, unrelenting strokes. He was thrown back to Dathomir, forced to face the ghost of his dead master, to thrust his lightsaber into his father figure’s chest, to watch his master pull the yellow blade in nearly to the hilt.

Again, he looked up into Jaro Tapal’s cold eyes, his dead eyes, and listened to the condemning words he’d known all along.

“You killed me, padawan. You shouldn’t have been such a coward. You should have taken those hits yourself. You should have died.”

Cal’s eyes welled with hot tears. “I know, Master! I’m sorry! If I could change it, I would, I swear!”

Tapal sneered and tightened his grip on Cal’s hands. He thought for sure his bones had cracked this time. He gasped in pain and tore his gaze away from his master’s face.

His stomach lurched as he caught sight of himself. He was twelve again.

“Look at me, coward!” Tapal yelled.

Cal’s head snapped back up. He realized vaguely that the scene around him had changed. His lightsaber had disappeared. Tapal at last released his grip. Cal recoiled and pressed his small hands to his heaving chest.

He heard several sets of footsteps behind him. Turning, his heart sank as a group of clone troopers rounded the corner, their blasters raised.

Tapal spoke from behind him. “Go on.”

Even if he wanted to, and oh, how his heart _longed_ to, Cal couldn’t stop the blaster fire. He was much too small to even try to shield his master. He didn’t have enough strength in the Force to block the bolts. He thought bitterly of the lightsaber he had dropped.

The familiar sting of the blaster bolts on his face sent him reeling backwards. He staggered against Tapal and reached for his sleeve, letting out a soft sob.

“Master...” He looked up, hoping for comfort and reassurance.

Instead, Tapal’s gaze was cruel and unforgiving. “Pathetic.”

His hand flew up and struck Cal’s cheek.

A scream tore from Cal’s throat as he sat up in bed. He clutched his blanket to his chest, trying to ground himself on the soft wool. His bottom lip quivered. He bit it hard as tears slid down his cheeks.

From his place beside Cal’s pillow, BD-1 turned on a gentle light and beeped softly.

“Yeah, I-I’m ok, buddy,” Cal replied.

“You shouldn’t lie to your friends.”

Cal jumped and looked up. Merrin stood in the doorway, her arms crossed.

“Merrin, I- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up, I just- I...”

“Was having a nightmare?”

Cal ducked his head. “I’m sorry.”

Merrin stepped closer. Cal heard the frown in her tone. “You are sorry for having a nightmare?”

“Um...yes?” Cal answered sheepishly. He dared to look back up at her. In the glow of BD-1’s flashlight, he could see the concern in her eyes. His heart twisted. He wasn’t worthy of such a thing from her.

“Can I sit by you?” she asked.

He nodded slightly and shifted to make room. She sat beside him and fixed him with a firm, unwavering stare.

“Cal Kestis, I fail to see the benefit of your bottled up emotions and memories.”

Cal blinked and curled up, gaze locked on his knees.

Merrin continued. “I know you think I cannot, but I see right through you. You are haunted by ghosts of the past. You saw something the first time you came to Dathomir. And even before that, something happened to you. Something hurt you so terribly that you cannot escape it. I know you see it when you meditate, when you sleep, when you lose focus, when you close your eyes for even a moment. I know you barely sleep because of it. I know you skip meals when you think Cere’s not looking. I know that sometimes the darkness is so great, so absolute, that it brings you to tears in the night.”

She grasped his shoulder. “As I wanted to join you on your quest, I want to share your burdens a hundred times as much. Don’t hide from me. Tell me what haunts you.”

As if she had broken a dam in his heart, as if she had burst through all his defenses, Cal gave in and began to speak.

“I was twelve when the Purge started. I was on a Venator ship orbiting Bracca. My Jedi master, Jaro Tapal, and hundreds of clone troopers were with me. That day, the clones turned on us. My master told me to go get an escape pod ready. I went as fast as I could, but I was so scared... I dropped my lightsaber and lost it. I got to the escape pods and tried to get the doors open b-but my hands were shaking so bad a-and the clones were shooting at us, I-I...”

Cal curled up tighter and steadied his breathing before he went on. “I got it open, but they shot him. I tried to protect him, but I wasn’t strong enough. I was too scared, I was too weak.”

“Is that where these came from?” Merrin reached across and lightly touched one of the scars streaking across the side of his face. The warmth of her touch briefly comforted him.

“Yeah. That’s when I got them.”

“That does not sound weak to me.”

Cal shook his head. “No, no, you don’t understand! If I hadn’t been so scared, if I hadn’t been such a stupid idiot, I still would have had my lightsaber! If I’d had a backbone, I could have protected Master Tapal!”

“Perhaps I have misunderstood something indeed.” Merrin frowned. “You said you were twelve?”

“Yeah.”

“Cal Kestis, you were a child.”

“So?”

“So what? I doubt Jaro Tapal was fearless. In fact, I believe he must have been scared as well.”

Cal looked at her doubtfully.

“Well, I know I would be terrified if my friends suddenly turned on me and tried to kill a child. And not just any child, a little boy who had been like my own son for years. Am I correct?”

“I mean...yeah...”

Merrin grabbed his hand and held it in both of her own. Her gentleness was a far cry from the crushing weight of Tapal’s dark ghost.

“Besides,” she continued, shifting to a more cheerful tone, possibly to cheer him up, “you must have been very small. Your lightsaber was probably bigger than you. I bet you had a difficult time getting a proper grip on the hilt, since your hands were so small, hm?”

A faint smile crossed Cal’s face. “It wasn’t THAT big. Although, the day I met Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, the first thing he told me was that I was small for my age. Master Tapal laughed. I was so embarrassed...but then Master Tapal said, ‘His heart makes up for his height.’ And Master Kenobi believed him.”

Merrin smiled. “That sounds like a good memory.”

“It is.” Cal’s face darkened as the memory of Tapal’s proud expression morphed into the cruel sneer of his nightmares. “I saw him. On Dathomir.”

“What do you mean? Who?”

“I saw Master Tapal. It was like we were doing a training exercise, but...but he wasn’t the same. He was ridiculing me. He said I was a coward.”

Merrin’s expression grew serious. “Cal, if you truly had a vision of him, the real him, or you saw a memory of him, he would not say those things to you.”

Cal’s voice cracked. “But what else could it be?”

“Is this what haunts you? The encounter with this...dark version of your Jedi master?”

“Yes.”

“And before that. It is the memory from the ship?”

“Yes.”

She thought quietly for a moment. “Before Dathomir, did he ever say these things to you, in your nightmares?”

“No. I just saw the memory as it is.”

“Beyond cowardice, beyond idiocy, did you ever think those things to yourself?”

Cal hesitated. He knew the answer. He knew it right away. But he held his tongue, fear keeping the word from slipping out.

“Cal?” Merrin squeezed his hand.

“Yes,” he choked out, tears stinging his eyes. “When I think back to...to that day, I don’t just think about my lack of strength and bravery. I...” He bit his lip and frantically blinked back his tears. “It’s my fault he’s gone. I wish I had died instead.”

The words left his mouth before he could stop them. The tears followed. Then more words came, rushing out between sobs.

“He was still alive when I launched the escape pod. He gave me his lightsaber and told me to trust in the Force a-and then he died. I was touching him. I felt his pain. I felt him die. And then we crashed on Bracca a-and I got out and I set it on fire because- because I couldn’t leave him like that. I cut off my braid and threw it in the fire. I- Merrin, I-I... Some horrible, sick part of me wanted to throw myself in the flames.

“I was so _scared_... I burned as much of my padawan robes as I could and then I ran. I just ran and ran until I collapsed. I knew what would happen if someone found me with a lightsaber. They would know. They’d know, and they’d take me straight to the Empire, and then I’d be tortured until I died. A-and I was so afraid of that, I-I thought about putting the blade of that lightsaber in my chest. I even _tried_ , but I was such a coward, I couldn’t do it, not with Master Tapal’s lightsaber. So I found a piece of scrap metal and I-...”

Cal stopped and sobbed harder. He gripped her hand like a lifeline.

Merrin shifted closer and wrapped her arm around him. “That’s why you keep your arm covered. I thought it must have been because of your psychometry, but...” She took a deep breath. “Have you done it since?”

Cal leaned his head on her shoulder. “No.” He laughed shortly and bitterly. “I knew there would be a lot of blood, but I didn’t expect quite that much. It scared me so much, I haven’t dared to try again.”

She hesitated, then she asked quietly, “Do you still want to die?”

“Sometimes.”

He hadn’t meant to say it. Not really. But he had told her everything else. She deserved to know that too.

Something wet trickled onto his forehead. With a pang, he realized Merrin was crying. She held him as close as she could, pulling him into her lap and tangling her hand in his hair. He wrapped his arms around her and clutched the back of her shirt, seizing fistfuls of the soft fabric, as if it would take away the pulsing, aching pain in his heart. BD-1’s familiar, comforting weight settled on his knee.

“Cal, listen to me,” Merrin said fervently, “If you ever feel like that, no matter what the hour is, come and find me. Come find me and I will help you. Whatever you need, a distraction, a hand to hold...I am right here.”

Overwhelmed with gratitude and relief, he could only weep in response.

Cal woke slowly, almost lazily. He breathed easily in the quiet of his room, the gentle whirring from BD-1, resting by his head, a welcome source of comfort. Warmth cloaked him. He thought of it as a shield, protecting him from the world. He took a long, deep breath and tightened his grip on Merrin’s sleeve.

His eyes snapped open. He still had his face buried in the crook of her neck. He had slept there on his side, his arm draped across her stomach. She rested on her back, one hand between his shoulder blades, her arm lying on top of his.

Cal’s cheeks reddened. He started to pull away, careful not to wake her.

“Don’t,” she whispered.

He gazed at her, awkward, flustered, and utterly speechless.

She didn’t open her eyes. “It is not morning yet. Go back to sleep.”

He hesitated, but of course, he had been resting so easily that he hated to leave her side. He settled against her, closing his eyes again. She reached up and rested her hand on his head. Cal relaxed as she lightly stroked his hair, running her fingers through it.

He was almost asleep again when it occurred to him.

He had slept without nightmares.

**Author's Note:**

> Canon? What canon? You mean guidelines?
> 
> Ahahahaha anyway petition to agree that Cal is shorter than Merrin. He a smol boi and nothing can change my opinion on that.


End file.
